Friday, July 23, 2010

Monkey Becomes a Woman

Monkey is a tiny boxer. He is now 10 months old, but still only weighs in at about 40 pounds. This has come as a surprise to us; when we adopted him he seemed like he was going to be huge. We don't mind having such a small chap loping about the house, it's just that we were hoping he would quickly stop fitting into small spaces. He likes to go all cephalopod on us and ooze under our bed to gnaw on the things he's stolen, like underwear, tissues from the trashcan or the cat. Many a toy has been disemboweled in that space. We find the horrific remains when tiny bits of them escape out the sides of the bed and we actually lower ourselves to the floor and peer under there. Oh, the humanity!
The other day was a good one for Monkey. We'd taken a 3-mile walk together, Monkey marked each mile with a celebratory poo for me to pick up. Then I worked from home, allowing him to sit by my side, head on my lap, eyes sweetly pleading with me to play with him, for a very long time indeed. Despite these high points, he was up to mischief in the afternoon. When I realized I hadn't seen the pup in awhile I conducted a search. My bed was emitting a chewing sound. I lowered myself to the ground and, prepared for another eviscerated finger puppet, was confused by the giant cotton balls everywhere.
What the...? Monkey looked guilty. I think that might just be how he looks, though. It didn't take long to realize just what the hell was going on down there. Monkey had abducted a brand new...wait for of tampons. If it weren't for their absurd cost (they have us just where they want us, the purveyors of feminine products, and I resent it a lot) I might have been amused. Instead I was furious. There was yelling. There was me poking at Monkey with the broom until he did his Marine crawl out from under the bed, and then there was more yelling. I salvaged what I could. Then I ranted to Jeremiah about how we need to block off the bed.
That evening, Jeremiah saw a very long cord sticking out from under the bed. He was momentarily taken aback, until he realized it was the cord from one of the window blinds. Then he was just ticked. Bad Monkey.

Monkey, looking a little crampy.


jennifer said...

LOL - my recently found and needing a home puggle did this last week. They are freaking expensive.

LMP said...

I just moved the bed and cleaned out all the debris from various destroyed toys and OB items. What a scene. We're attempting to make it terrifying and unpleasant to go under there now. It's a nice way to vent stress, actually.