Friday, June 08, 2007

Gumption, Granola and Gays

It all started when I admitted to Heather that I'd thought, from time to time, of becoming a personal chef and menu consultant. Right away she encouraged me to do it. Knowing I had only the most romanticized conception of running my own business and indeed, of cooking for others, I nonetheless allowed myself to become energized by her support. Then I brought it up to Keith, who also thought it was a great idea. I began to think about what kind of research I'd need to do and how to plan such a thing. I got swept up in the idea. When I told Keith I'd need to plan he brazendly and characteristically informed me that "over-planning is the death of gumption!". Intially I ignored that statement, assuming he was quoting a speech Napoleon gave his officers as they suited up to head to Waterloo. But when I mentioned it to Paige she not only seconded Keith's statement, but insisted I do something immediately. Anything.

I've been making a lot of granola lately. Almost...compulsively. So, to appease Paige, who charged me with taking action within 4 days of our conversation, I took a sample of the granola to my local coffee shop, lately named Karvana, and asked the manager if she might be willing to sell it. At that, I considered my task complete and congratulated myself at length for being so brave. Then the manager came back and said that yes, she would like to sell it. Now what?

I set my marketing team to work straight away. I immediately concerned myself with how much I should charge for such a thing and whether or not it's legal in the state of Georgia to sell food made in a residential kitchen (a concern instilled by Sybil, who is also extremely supportive, but cannot divorce herself from fretting about the details). Marketing informed me that the name is the thing. In fact, they don't seem to care about that other stuff at all. Keith decided that I should name it "Angry Lesbian Granola" This amused him no end. He even called back later to say "if the lesbians in your area get upset about that name you can just say 'see?'" Kevin, meanwhile, suggested viagranola. Here's how the marketing meeting has gone so far:

From: Kevin Provost
>>>Sent:
Wednesday, June 06, 2007 7:39 PM
>>>To: Provost,
Lisa
>>>Subject: RE:
granola
>>>
>>>What are you going to name it? How
about:
>>>
>>>Hola Granola
>>>Granny's
Granola
>>>Viagranola

From: "Provost, Lisa"
>>>To: "Kevin
Provost"
>>>Subject: RE:
granola
>>>Date: Thu, 7 Jun 2007 08:35:38
-0400
>>>
>>>Keith wants me to name it "Angry
Lesbian Granola" and include one of
>>>those "our product's
history" paragraphs on the back all about how
>>>it's
lovingly crafted by a troop of angry lesbians.

On Jun 7, 2007, at 11:50 AM, Kevin Provost
wrote:
>
>>Oooh, I LIKE that. You could do two package
versions:
>>
>>Angry Lesbian for
chicks
>>Viagranola for dudes (no product history, but lots of pictures
of
>>lipstick lesbians)
>>
>>We're going to be
RICH!

From: Keith Provost
>To: "Kevin Provost"

>CC: LProvost@emcas.com
>Subject: Re:
granola
>Date: Thu, 7 Jun 2007 14:32:24 -0400
>
>The
Viagranola was a more woody taste. The Angry Lesbian is tangy, but
>it's really hard to get the bag open.

and then as an after thought from Kevin -

Shouldn't both come in a box?



Annnnnyway...I don't really think I want to fire the marketing department...but it's possible I should add more people to it. Maybe at least a lesbian (angry or not). So, while I haven't entirely ruled out the proffered names, does anyone have any suggestions that might not offend the HRC, GOP, PTA and possibly the FBI?

7 comments:

RFKeith said...

You could call it "Surge". "20,000 little chunks of what you need to take control of the situation." Then change the brand name from Angry Lesbian Granola to Hillary's An Angry Lesbian Granola.
This is what we marketers call, "Brainstorming".

Farrago_NW said...

She walked up to me and she asked me to dance

I asked her her name as I munched some Viagranola

Viagra-granola
It swole up my pole-a

dugga-du-dug du-daa daaa-dut

The Plaid Sheep said...

Will you have different flavors? The Angry Lesbian Granola could be a little spicy with lots of cinnamon.

Ankle-Biter Tamer? (Low Sugar)

Mirror Mirror on the Wall (low fat)

Land of Plenty (the works)

And if you come up with one for dogs it could be Lola's Granola.

I think it's good you've found a nice middle road between throwing caution completely to the wind and worrying too much (like my own self). I also think it's good to know the rules before you go ahead and break 'em.

RFKeith said...

Go ahead and break those rules BEFORE you know them. They'll tell you soon enough. You can take a punch, right?

*pab said...

I think Sybil has the best idea: "Lola's Granola" or, K&S Crunch.

Anni said...

How about "Hola Granola"? Then it's nice to say whether you speak Spanish or not.

Definitely nothing including the works "company," "factory" or "heritage." I don't go any place with those words in the name.

RFKeith said...

Definitely nothing including the works "company," "factory" or "heritage."

.com stands for company, dude. Sorry, you can't be here.