Ordinarily, I try to keep things positive. Negativity can really do you damage. Depending on how much you take you can end up anywhere from slightly annoying to your friends to dead but no matter where you fall on that scale it's...well it's negative. Still, I'm in that place so it's time for a list of things I really hate. I'll try to keep it short but I hate a lot of stuff. Here we go. Things I hate.
1. France. (oh, settle down Frog friends, I'm just joshin' ya. Where's all that jzwah da veev I hear so much about?)
2. Superfluous quotations marks. The sign at the bus terminal in NYC said to KEEP BACK "13" FEET. What does that mean? The only place I ever really appreciated this horrifying grammatical slight is when I was reviewing resumes for potential new hires. The company made people fill out a little form to turn in along with their resume, but the thing asked for resume info, which is kind of dumb and maybe deserves a spot on this list, but the applicant wrote, I love this, SEE "RESUME". Come to think of it, unless that 23-year-old bartender really did speak 18 languages including Esperanto and know how to drive a forklift, those quotation marks might not have been superfluous.
3. Being handed my cash first and coinage on top of the cash. Why don't you just throw it in my face?!? ARGH that galls me. How many times a day do people who give out change, give out change? Surely they notice that this arrangement nearly always causes the coins to go rolling off the large, flat cash surface and require time-consuming retrieval. Jerks.
4. Styrofoam. More specifically, the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam. Note this, my enemies, if you need to defeat me in battle, this is surely my Kryptonite.
5. Lying Playboy Centerfolds. Oh, McKinzie who was born in the late 80s, there is no freakin' way you are 5'8" with 36DD boobs but weigh 112 lbs (except maybe on the moon). You're doing a disservice to all women when you put that crap in writing. Aside from the fact that you are causing people to think it is possible to be those dimensions without having to being hospitalized, you're a Playboy centerfold. Why not round way up? What do you care? Say you weigh 180. Will it make you less hot on the glossy, Photoshopped page? I think not. If you weigh less than 140 I'll send you a home cooked meal. But you don't, you big liar.
6. The Fraternal Order of Police. Stop calling me!!!
7. All television news. Even public broadcasting. I don't need to know what those people look like.
8. Whatever-Me Elmo. I hate all iterations of this doll. Sometimes when I feel a little bit down and the imagery of chickens doing common household tasks doesn't make me smile I think about a giant bonfire of Elmo dolls and it works right away. Why won't the batteries just DIE already?!? OH THE HUMANITY.
9. The word moist. I'm not sure why, that one just always kind of bugs me.
10. Laser Tag.