Thursday, November 13, 2008

Evening Things Up a Bit

Time for a list of a few things I love. This is to make up for the other day when I listed some things I hate. I still hate those things (with the exception of France, about which I was only kidding. It's really Finland that fills me with ire which I know is unexpected. Seems like it would be Ireland) and many, many more but I figure I should try to balance things somewhat. So here we go with some warm fuzzies.

1. Whiskers on kittens. Ha! Just kidding. Jokes on me, though, now I have that song stuck in my head (note to self: add Julie Andrews to earlier list).

2. Vanquishing my enemies. There's nothing quite like bringing down a foe, severing his head and placing it atop one of the spikes on the 8' tall concrete wall that surrounds your house, as a warning to others. If you're feeling really Old School, you can also cook up your enemy's brains and eat them for dinner (or just a snack, depending on who your enemies are. Mine are often errant Palmetto bugs) thus gaining all his knowledge for your own. As an added bonus here, I just really like the word "vanquish".

3. Chickens. Chickens are inherently funny and if you want to argue that point with me I refer you to number 2 on this list. Just sayin'.

4. The smell of Scotch tape. How very bourgeois of me that this is a scent that makes me think of Christmas. Still, it does and every year when I go through mounds and mounds of it... and then take it off my face and start wrapping gifts, I am magically transported back to a more innocent time, when I didn't have to do all the @#$% gift wrapping and believed that a big fat guy could actually fit down our chimney.

5. Warm sheets straight from the dryer. What? Am I not human? If you cut me do I not bleed?

6. Maintaining a list of famous women for whom I would go gay if I were going to gay which I am not but dang it all those chicks are smokin' hot. This list changes from time to time but Ashley Judd has topped for as long as I can remember. A few others on there are Elizabeth Shue, Catherine Keener, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Charlize Theron. I feel like I should add someone like, I don't know, Bell Hooks, to the list to seem like I have substance. But I don't.

7. Sunday. A lot of my friends think I don't go to church because I take issue with organized religion and all its ridiculous rules and wars fought in the name of God but really it's because I just hate having to go somewhere on Sunday morning. Getting up, getting everyone dressed nicely and out the door by 10 or whatever is work in my book. I thought you weren't supposed to work on the Sabbath. Instead, I used that day to hang out with my family, take long walks, cook up a mess o' food for the coming week and feel like life is good.

8. My bicycle, BICYCLE!

9. When the best response leaps to mind at exactly the right time. Oh that is rich. Too often I am in my car on the way home or even lying in bed long after nightfall when what I should have said finally makes it to the front of my mind and the moment will never return. Tragic loss, really.

10. Cars with lots and lots of bumper stickers. Bless those people! I like to use my idle time to read and when I have plenty to read while stuck in traffic I'm thankful. Plus, it's nice not to have to get to know the person in the car. They have thoughtfully placed all the important information about themselves right there on their car, begging you to judge them. I get extra excited if the bumper stickers are at odds with each other, but that seldom happens.


The Plaid Sheep said...

Just don't bleed on those newly dried sheets.

I concur about Ashley Judd, (what is it about her?) And I would add Isabella Rossellini.

Brooklyn Volunteer said...

Why do "you" hate "Finland"? They love Conan.

FlapScrap said...

I’d hit Ashley Judd so hard the future king of England couldn’t pull me out.

Favorite things:
wooden matches in a bathroom;
step 1: brown 2 tbsp chopped garlic in olive oil;
leaving a note;
besting a Spaniard;
morbid curiosity;
Friday night on the Shenandoah County Fair midway;
sleeping outside;
rigging up a system;
Sunday morning pajama, hoodie, & sandals trip to Safeway for bacon/eggs/juice/donuts;
waiter who says, "Don't get that";
boots on bare feet to get the mail in the snow;
heart and soul duet;
witnessing the pre-dawn garbage pickup;
one-handed catch;
skipping work to shoot pool all day;
pulling over and pissing by a highway;
monkeys fighting robots;
quitting time on Friday, which is now.

karen said...

Ok, so the first thing I did while reading this post was to reach for my Scotch tape and sniff it, causing my husband to remind me that I'm supposed to sniff glue and wonder aloud if I'm ok. I just glared at him, even though he is one of my favorite things. And you're right! Scotch tape DOES smell like Christmas!